Cert PG
90 mins
BBFC advice: Contains mild violence, mild language and innuendo.
I glanced around as the familiar chords of Rick Parfitt and co met the vocals of Francis Rossi for a rendition of "Caroline''.
Behind me at Nottingham Showcase were eight Status Quo fans who were all shaking their heads in rhythm with the music.
Their style wasn't quite as hectic as it would have been at the school disco, circa 1978, but they still had the beat.
And, I suspect it was for their love of the music and ONLY their love of the music that they dared to see what their lifelong heroes would be like on the big screen.
The answer, I am sad to report, is gobsmackingly awful.
The Quo followed the dodgy path previously trodden by the likes of Mick Jagger (Ned Kelly, Performance), Phil Collins (Buster), Madonna (Desperately Seeking Susan) , Roger Daltrey (McVicar) and, as the Ronco advert would say, 'many many more'.
All of the above were veritably Shakespearean by comparison.
Rossi and Parfitt couldn't even play themselves with any sort of conviction.
They stumbled in monotone through a plot which was giggle-free and ludicrous. It breathed a faint memory of those 1960s Carry-On-style chase movies but, in truth, was too witless to be compared.
The dismal level of this fare was reflected by the fact that one of only two recognised actors in the movie is Craig Fairbrass.
Yes, the ex-Eastender adds his own inimitable brawn and no brains to the operation.
Here he plays the beleaguered manager of ....errrr..Status Quo, who are playing a couple of gigs on Fiji (let's just park how unlikely that seems).
Inevitably, the trip doesn't go to plan and, from the start, their lives seem to be in peril in one way or another.
Thus, begins a romp around Fiji with chase scenes which reminded me of a cross between Scooby Doo and the Double Deckers but aren't nearly so much fun.
Fortunately, from the audience's point of view, there are a handful of Quo tracks to keep them sporadically entertained but otherwise this is a shocker.
Whoever persuaded Rossi and Parfitt to blot their copybooks with acting debuts at 64-years-old needs a firm talking to.
Why they said yes is beyond me.
Laughs: none
Jumps: none
Vomit: none
Nudity: none
Overall rating: 1 (for the music)/10