Cert 18
97 mins
BBFC advice: Contains strong bloody violence and gory images
Do you remember how Sunday afternoon used to mean the family film after watching ITV football highlights?
It might have been a western, or a musical or a black and white melodrama.. but it was never a blood-spattered gore fest with no discernible story.
Hammer Of The Gods was on the agenda after our morning game of golf and was even worse than I was on the fifth hole where my tee shot went ten yards and I still couldn't find the ball.
It is based in 9th century Britain where it must have been surprising that men ever reached adulthood because all they seemed to do in those days was take an axe to each other.
Well, in Farren Blackburn's film that is the case.
His characters are muscular and mean and they slit throats of people who might be their enemies without ever confirming that they actually are.
This 'no mercy' attitude is passed down from father to son - and in the movie's case that means from Viking leader Bagsecg (James Cosmo) to his offspring Steinar (Charlie Bewley).
Steinar has arrived in Britain just as the Anglo-Saxons are on the cusp of routing the Vikings.
His father is on his death bed but has enough energy to tell him to go in search of his first born, Hagen The Ferocious (Clive Standen), a man who is deeply unhinged and yet could lead his people to victory.
Hagen has been estranged from his family for many years and Steinar needs to find him and persuade him to come back.
However, even if finds where he is and gets past the angry locals there is every chance Hagan will refuse and even try to kill his own brother.
If that makes Hammer Of The Gods seem interesting, I apologise.
For the most part it is little more than watching some folk from a reenactment society, wielding fierce-looking weapons and spilling a lot of tomato sauce.
The blood flows in a way that the storyline doesn't. By its end I couldn't have cared less who killed who and who would rule the Vikings or the country.
And, while the action was reasonably exciting, the acting was a stiff as the swords which were being wielded.
Laughs: none
Jumps: none
Vomit: none
Nudity: yes
Overall rating: 2.5/10