Cert 12A
138 mins
BBFC advice: Contains moderate violence, injury detail, threat
I accept that when you are dealing with the unlikely tale of a 500-year-old bloke who builds an ark which has pairs of every creature on God's earth, you might take some liberties.
But Darren Aronofsky lost all sense with this bizarre adaptation of Noah.
His problem is that we all know the story so well - thus, when he introduces fictional monsters and villains it is bound to prompt a negative reaction.
In addition, none of his cast, except Emma Watson and possibly Jennifer Connelly, look as if they are doing more than going through the motions.
Perhaps Russell Crowe was so utterly bamboozled by the 'new' Noah story that he decided to take the money and run.
Crowe plays the unsmiling and, frankly, murderous Noah (here's me thinking he was a good guy) who reacts to a dream by building an ark to save the world's innocent species from the mayhem of mankind.
Ray Winstone is a self-appointed king who tries to foil him but is in turn halted by the aforementioned monsters (as I suspected, a quick bit of research confirms that none of this is mentioned in the bible).
Oh, I nearly forgot, Anthony Hopkins as Noah's grandfather who boasts magical powers and has a craving for berries.
The movie's saving grace is its special effects - the animal scenes and those surrounding the flood are impressive.
But the mangling of the storyline bring it to the verge or the preposterous and its acting is, until its denouement, so stiff that I was dropping off.
Aronofsky is clearly well regarded in Hollywood circles but he should be advised that only in spoofs (eg Life Of Brian) should the bible be rewritten.
In this case, he has been terribly ham-fisted with the source material.
I watched Noah at Cineworld in Burton-on-Trent.
Laughs: none
Jumps: none
Vomit: none
Nudity: none
Overall rating: 3.5/10