Cert 18
125 mins
BBFC advice: Contains strong sex
"Two tickets for Roy (Bollywood movie), please," I asked of the assistant on the cash desk at Nottingham Cineworld.
"Sorry, it's been cancelled," she replied, apologetically.
So, we scanned the board to see which films we needed to tick off and there, in big white capitals were the words FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.
I gulped and ordered tickets for the already salivating Mrs W and myself.
In order to keep up with the everyfilm quest I knew I would have to watch Sam Taylor-Johnson's film but I had rather hoped we would be on our own at a 10am show.
Instead, we were in screen 3 with an audience made up of women who were chattering loudly in anticipation because they had, I presumed, read E.L. James titillating novel.
I haven't read the book and Mrs W reckoned that left me at a disadvantage.
She said the book had much greater depth than the film and her background knowledge gave her greater understanding of the movie's characters.
From my perspective it was just a bit dull. Not terrible but not very good.
Yes, despite the naked writhing of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson's daughter Dakota, I was nodding off.
Dakota plays Anastasia Steele, a university student who becomes besotted with Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan), one of the most wealthy businessmen in Seattle.
Grey has a reputation for ruthlessness and has never been pictured with a woman, prompting rumours that he might be gay.
It transpires that this could not be further from the truth - the reality is that he just isn't interested in falling in love but is addicted to kinky sex.
So, although he has a fondness for Dakota, he doesn't want a conventional relationship.
Consequently, her desire for love and his for whips and handcuffs are pitched against each other.
Taylor-Johnson believes there is a great chemistry between Johnson and Dornan but I'm afraid I couldn't agree.
To be fair they didn't have much to work with. In the movie both characters are one dimensional and the dialogue is pedestrian.
Mrs W assures me that in the book, the backgrounds of Anastasia and, in particular, Christian are key ingredients but that isn't the case here.
It was interesting that the audience did laugh at times when I didn't. Mrs W told me that this was because the scenes related to key passages in the novel.
And, I guess that was my over-riding (excuse the double entendre) thought about Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Watching it, without having read the novel, was akin to being a gatecrasher at a party where you know nobody. In my view, that is a sign of a poorly made movie,
Director Sam Taylor-Johnson, commenting on claims that the film degrades women: "From the offset, I wanted this to be a journey of empowerment. This woman goes from an inexperienced world on a journey of sexual exploration but also on a romance and relationship exploration."
Reasons to watch: If you are a fan of the book
Reasons to avoid: Dull if you are not a fan of the book.
Laughs: one from me but more from others in the audience
Jumps: none
Vomit: yes
Nudity: yes
Overall rating: 4.5/10